Compliments

[jen]

I'm not sure this is the right thread, but it seems to fit.

So, tonight my Dad wanted to take the family out to a nice dinner as part of our vacation. This involved dressing up. Before, during, and after dinner my Dad and Stepmom made a LOT of comments about how "thin" and "pretty" I looked. Compliments on physical appearance have always irked me, because I feel they just reinforce the idea that all I (or any woman) has to be valued are looks.

Does anyone have ideas on a nice way to dissuade people from complimenting on physical appearance?

[nightgigjo]

I know what you mean, jen.

For me, one compliment is a compliment.  Incessant commentary is another thing entirely, more along the lines of manipulation than appreciation.

(Note: manipulation doesn't mean it's malicious;  just that, consciously or not, there's an intended result.)

[Lilithc7]

  Incessant commentary is another thing entirely, more along the lines of manipulation than appreciation.

(Note: manipulation doesn't mean it's malicious;  just that, consciously or not, there's an intended result.)

Yes. I know in my case, when family members constantly tell me I am thin and pretty, it's always about them running their agenda. Usually it goes something like this, "How do you stay so thin? You  look a lot younger than you really are, and so pretty! Any prospective husband in your future? You know you don't want to wait too long to find a husband, remember, beauty fades."

[kardis]

I hate being complimented on my appearance, especially regarding my weight. My parents were the worst offenders and I finally had to tell them that it made me really uncomfortable when they did that. I had to tell that to several friends a well and it seems to have worked. With some people you can even tell them that you don't want to hear compliments on your appearance because it enforces p-approved femininity expectations.

If you're trying to be nice though it is harder. The rebuttal is often along the lines of, "Oh, __, learn to take a compliment!!!11". I would start with saying it makes you uncomfortable even if it isn't true, they will probably feel less defensive than if you give a really radfem reason (which you can always give them later).

[Zander]

Among my friends and family I generally say, "Thanks! And I'm smart too!"

[thebewilderness]

I'm not sure this is the right thread, but it seems to fit.

So, tonight my Dad wanted to take the family out to a nice dinner as part of our vacation. This involved dressing up. Before, during, and after dinner my Dad and Stepmom made a LOT of comments about how "thin" and "pretty" I looked. Compliments on physical appearance have always irked me, because I feel they just reinforce the idea that all I (or any woman) has to be valued are looks.

Does anyone have ideas on a nice way to dissuade people from complimenting on physical appearance?

Complimenting people for things they have little or no control over has always struck me as strange. Parents complimenting their child in this fashion seems somewhat self congratulatory. Often though, it is a space filler in akward conversation.
Sometimes it helps to tell people what you do want to hear. If there are things that you are doing that you want their opinion of, perhaps you sould simply tell them you would rather they tell you what they think of that thingamy.

[jen]

Nightgigjo- That's a really good point. I think that's partly why it bothered me. Saying something once is okay, but multiple times, seems to mean an agenda or something, like Lilithc mentioned. I think another problem I had with it was since it was related to my weight, like kardis mentions. My Dad brought up again today how the dress I was wearing makes me look thinner. I'm pretty sensitive to weight comments from him, since he had a habit of implying I was overweight in middle and high school.

I think I'll try what kardis suggests and say it makes me feel uncomfortable and then try to offer something else I might like an opinion on, like thebewilderness suggests, or maybe shift the attention to a different aspect, like Zander does.

Thanks for all the responses! I was a little nervous about posting.