Ugliness

[planetneptune]

I am only 19 and still struggling with my own internalized P. I am pretty confident for a girl with hairy legs and armpits, heck pretty confident for a 19 year old, but... you know...

Sometimes I feel totally undesirable and unlovable because when I get close to men it seems like they crush on every other intelligent, fun girl, girls just as good as me, but I can never catch their interest in such a way. I am treated as an equal and respected by these men, but I have this internalized fear that no matter how fun and smart I become, I'm just... ugly and saggy. I don't hate women for being conventionally better looking than me. I just feel so intimidated. Some things are not a matter of habit like leg hair. Sometimes it just comes down to cheekbones.

I'm in a very vulnerable spot right now, I guess. Yes this is lame hetero angst and there is a thread for that, but my feminism is how I fight back against this inferiority complex. IBTP.

Ugliness angst and blaming galore. But still. In the middle of it all... I just get lonely sometimes. I meet really great, feminist men who never see me as more than a friend. I'm bisexual but it's very hard to meet women around here, especially because of biphobia (also for which IBTP).

Sigh. Angst.

[Zander]

Some things are not a matter of habit like leg hair. Sometimes it just comes down to cheekbones.

That's a really nice line. And by "nice" I mean a beautiful way of expressing an utterly craptastic situation (obviously, the situation being the patriarchal bullshit, not your own appearance).

[laceyfish]

IBTP for all that too, planetneptune, and I totally empathize with you.  You're certainly not the only woman to feel like this -- I'd go so far as to say that every woman (and probably a lot of men, too) feels this way or has felt this way more than once in her lifetime.  I don't know if that helps, but it does sound like you're on a good blaming path with this struggle.  You WILL come out of this okay, especially if you keep the blaming up.

And I just want to say that it wouldn't surprise me if a lot of this was just part of being 19.  It may not be true for you, but the period from 18 to 21 was probably the roughest period of my life (thus far, ha), speaking in emotional, psychological, and self-confidence terms.  I remember how desperate for "love" and affection (and physicality) I felt during that time, and looking back, it was just not fun.  It's hard to grow up, period, let alone as a young woman in the patriarchy or as a young woman who wants to fight the patriarchy.

It sounds corny, but I'm going to say it anyway: you'll find the right person(s) when the time(s) is/are right.  Relationships, especially at 19, are often overrated.  In the meantime, cultivating friendships and learning about yourself and about the world can be just as fulfilling -- and loneliness-killing -- as being in a heavy-duty relationship.

In any case, you're among friends here, and you have our support.  I hope you take good care of yourself, planet.  Good luck.

[TallyCola]

Oh my god planetneptune, I think we might be the same person. I am a scant four years older than you, perhaps someone stuck me when I was four and made a clone!

The only thing I can say is to chime in with laceyfish: relationships are overrated, and it'll happen when it happens. A lot of people in their teens and twenties aren't, I think, really all that happy in their relationships, or they're fooling themselves. A lot of people are acting pre-approved scripts, and you're going against the grain, and that takes a lot of courage and personality and awesomeness. You're going to be beautiful for someone who deserves all that of awesomeness.

[planetneptune]

It sounds corny, but I'm going to say it anyway: you'll find the right person(s) when the time(s) is/are right.  Relationships, especially at 19, are often overrated.  In the meantime, cultivating friendships and learning about yourself and about the world can be just as fulfilling -- and loneliness-killing -- as being in a heavy-duty relationship.

Thing is, most of the time I feel this way, too, and I have some great friends. It's easy enough not to be lonely for that thing your friends can't really give you, though, when you keep busy with great hobbies and school and a job... but it's that feeling in the middle of the night when the other side of the bed is cold and vacant.

Sigh. I know there are many potential someones out there for me. And I'm scared they are already with someone all that and a bag of gorgeous.

[Spiders]

Thing is, most of the time I feel this way, too, and I have some great friends. It's easy enough not to be lonely for that thing your friends can't really give you, though, when you keep busy with great hobbies and school and a job... .

It's so true, we've all been there, neptune. What I found was, that "thing" that you think your friends can't really give you is only a myth anyway. Its a phantom that we're all taught we must pursue or we'll never be truly happy. That's because society is set up for couples, coupling up helps to uphold the status quo so we're all pressured to do it.

Its possible that the guys you know consider you way too smart for them to consider being in an intimate relationship with you. Guys mostly only want to be in those relationships with women they can easily oppress.

Cold comfort I know.

[planetneptune]

Thing is, most of the time I feel this way, too, and I have some great friends. It's easy enough not to be lonely for that thing your friends can't really give you, though, when you keep busy with great hobbies and school and a job... .

It's so true, we've all been there, neptune. What I found was, that "thing" that you think your friends can't really give you is only a myth anyway. Its a phantom that we're all taught we must pursue or we'll never be truly happy. That's because society is set up for couples, coupling up helps to uphold the status quo so we're all pressured to do it.

Its possible that the guys you know consider you way too smart for them to consider being in an intimate relationship with you. Guys mostly only want to be in those relationships with women they can easily oppress.

Cold comfort I know.

I don't really keep those kinds of men as company, though. I really am speaking of wonderful men, who just... never happen to be interested in me. It's not because they are jerks. I wouldn't want to be with them if they were. But I can't help feeling like maybe I'd have more... options if I just looked differently. Sigh.

I know you mean the myth of romance, but that's not really what I'm after. I'm sure anyone here with a life partner know what I mean. It's just a special kind of trust and intimacy. I suppose my friends give me a lot of it. But... I'm sure everyone here with a life partner also has great friends, so there's got to be something else to it.